Neurodivergent Struggles with Homemaking

I am so sorry I haven’t posted more recently. I’ve been switching medications, and adjusting to new schedules, and celebrating Halloween and all that fun stuff, plus seeing a new therapist and going through a “dark night of the soul”. Essentially everything is changing for me, for my family, etc and I’m doing my best to hold on a little longer (not physically, but emotionally and mentally).

Anyway, I got on to write because I’m going through a lot, and then I received this message from a friend: “Respect for [your husband] and your girls and yourself are supposed to motivate you to do your duties… You should know better.” (Edited out names for privacy reasons).

Here’s the thing: I can’t force anyone else to do the research on ADHD or Autism or any of the other mental health issues I struggle with. I can only share what I know and accept that not everyone will understand.

But, because it was brought up, I feel the need to address some of what this person said, even if they won’t see.

ADHD and Autistic brains are NOT neurotypical brains. We do not think the same way as neurotypicals. We show love and care differently. We also notice different things about our environments and interact with others and our environments differently. I don’t see things in the same way as others might. When I look at what needs to be done, my time blindness doesn’t offer me a reliable measure of how long something might take. I also struggle with knowing what is most important, and figuring out where to start. This isn’t to say I live in a messy house. Compared to how I grew up, my home now is spotless, on the surface anyway.

Here are some reasons Neurodivergent people might have more trouble with housework:

1. Interest-based nervous system. This means that if I’m interested in something, it doesn’t take any energy at all. I have all the time and energy needed for the things that interest me. It also means that things that need done but I have no interest in (like chores) not only take more energy than they would for a neurotypical, but they also feel painful to do. Like, physically and mentally painful. Usually, I can get around this by watching a favorite show in the background or listening to music while I clean, but that requires remembering to turn on a show or music and then starting the chores.
2. Struggles with time-blindness. This means that I don’t see time in the same way others do. Things that I’m not interested in look overwhelming and feel like they’ll take all day, even if they would only actually take five minutes. And I experience this every time I try to do something I’m not interested in. On top of that, I will get hyperfocused on something and forget time is a thing. It will feel like I’ve been working on my bullet journal for a few minutes, but I’ve actually been working on it for hours. I have to set lots of timers and alarms to remind me of the time.
3. ADHD and Autism and other mental health struggles tend to run in families. This means that it’s highly likely that at least one of my parents is also neurodivergent, considering it runs on both sides of my family and all of my siblings and I are neurodivergent, with either ADHD, Autism, or both. This means that I’m not just trying to manage my own neurodivergent brain, but my children’s as well, as they are likely neurodivergent even though they haven’t been diagnosed yet. And, it means that my husband ends up taking a lot of the harder work on himself because I struggle and don’t have the mental energy to do it, and he somehow manages it. Of course, I do as much as I possibly can, sometimes burning myself out even though he’s doing two or three times as much as I am. But I still try my best, and I’m constantly working on doing better and coming up with better ways of doing things that work for me and for our family.

I’m slowly getting better and learning new and better ways of doing things. Everything got 10 times harder with each kid, and I’ve only been a mom of two for two years. I’m still a baby just figuring it all out. Thankfully, my husband is right there with me, supporting me and loving me and not judging me, because I seriously couldn’t do it all without him.

If you know someone who is neurodivergent, maybe talk with them about their struggles, without judgment. Offer them love and support, rather than criticism or advice. Many times, we neurodivergent people have already done all the research and tried many different things before we talk to others a bout our struggles, so don’t assume that because we/they are talking to you about it that it means they need advice or help. Maybe they just need a listening ear or a shoulder to cry on. Be what we/they need and that’s the best way you can show you love, support, and respect your neurodivergent friend or family member.

Now, I have some cleaning and meal planning to do, because we’re all sick here, and my husband is the most sick. He needs rest. And I do love him, and respect him, and want him to get all the rest he can get.

With love,

Clarissa, the Neurodivergent Homemaker, wife, and mother of two