I always viewed homemaking and being a stay at home mom and housekeeping as different terms for the same basic job: keeping your house clean, and kids fed. It seems that a lot of people view it that way as well. I think because their mothers and grandmothers did it all.
Before my husband and I decided we were ready to start trying to have kids, we discussed important things like finances and how we wanted to parent our children, and especially whether we were both going to work outside the home or one of us was going to stay home while the kids were young. I’m thankful that somewhere along the line, we did our research and made the decision that I would stay home, but my job wouldn’t be taking care of the home. My job would only be childcare: caring for the emotional, and physical needs of our children. Any household chores like tidying, dishes, laundry, etc that got done while my husband was at work would be viewed as not necessary but appreciated, and household chores would be split 50/50.
Here’s the truth: I would not be a good mother if I was splitting my focus between my kids and the housework. Especially if I was the only parent home. When the kids are young (and they’re currently 15 months and almost 4 years), they need all the attention I can provide. Yes, they might be willing and able to play together or on their own for short periods of time, but some days they need attention the full time and some days they don’t. It’s not something I can predict. And, as an ADHD-er, I struggle with switching my attention from one task to another task on a whim. Especially someone else’s whim. More than once I’ve been frustrated by my children begging for attention while I’m trying to finish up something important. Even more so when they repeat themselves multiple times or start crying or screaming for attention. I can’t just switch to doing something else that quickly, even if I’m “expecting”. My brain just snaps and I feel like my head will explode.
So, obviously being the all-encompassing household manager, maid, cook, and everything to do with the home and children mom was never going to be in the equation for me. I would have been burnt out in a week (or less) and it would have cause so much resentment not only on my side, but on my husband’s side as well, because I wasn’t doing what we decided on. And even though we don’t place these expectations on me, I still find myself comparing myself to moms who do all these things and place those unreasonable expectations on myself, even though I know it’s just not in me to be that mom and wife. Anyone else?
Lately, I’ve been seeing the topic of homemaking and housekeeping come up more and more, and while I don’t know if it’s because I’m writing about it now so I’m just noticing it more (what’s that phenomenon called? [quick google search later] ah yes, Baader-Meinhof phenomenon), or if it’s because it’s becoming a bigger topic/deal… but it makes me excited to think that it might be becoming more popular again.
Whether you’re a mom, dad, spouse, or on your own/single, whether you work outside the home or inside, or not at all. I hope you will do your own research and work to make your house a home for you and your family.
What’s your take? Do you think parents who stay home with the kids should be in charge of the household chores too? Or do you believe, like we do, that housekeeping should be a family responsibility and doesn’t need to be done when one parent is gone?
Next week, I’ll delve more into the intricacies of housekeeping and homemaking, and discussing what each might entail and how you might implement one or both of them in your home. Leave any questions on the topic below, and I’ll try to address them in my blog post!
The Neurodivergent Homemaker 
I am amazed at how intentional you were as a couple in discussing who does what at this level before starting your family. We did not do this until I wanted to quit work. We worked out that I did everything in the home, and he brought home the “bacon.” At times he was working crazy hours to provide what we needed, and at times I was working crazy hours inside the home, homeschooling and caring for the children. But we always kept this separate. Another thing is we never had two littles at one time. I couldn’t do it, so our kids are far apart by design. I love how each family finds their own unique parenting and homemaking. I enjoyed hearing about yours. You are blessed.
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I grew up in a home where my mom did all the housework and childcare and everything, and my dad would only occasionally help when he felt like the house wasn’t clean enough. My husband grew up in a family where both his mom and step-dad worked outside the home and they each did 50% of the housework and childcare and cooking and everything, and taught their sons the same. And when he was at his dad’s, his dad was a single dad so he also did housework and cooked and everything. I just knew I didn’t want to split housework and responsibilities the way my parents did, and it was great that we had the foundation of my husband’s upbringing to help. ^_^
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