The Neurodivergent Homemaker

My “Special Interest” or “Hyperfocus”

Aka: Reading Monday!

One common Autism perception is that they have a special interest. Most people think of trains or cars or math as a special interest Autistic people have, but the truth is a special interest can be literally anything. For me, the one thing that has been constant throughout my life is my love of reading and books in general. As a child and teen I always had a book on me. Always. And it was almost always a new one each day.

Now my book is in my phone on my kindle app! I read whenever I get the chance and could spend hours reading.

However, though I’m fairly certain I’m Autistic, I know I’m ADHD.

ADHD-ers also have special interests, but with ADHD the term is called “hyperfixations” or a “hyperfocus”. Usually it changes as soon as it becomes easy or boring or too hard. For me, I just read lots of different genres of books and might switch to a different series halfway through the one I’m currently reading. Or, I might have three or four different kinds of books going at once, and I’ll switch whenever I feel bored with my current book. Sometimes I’ll go back and finish a book, sometimes I won’t, and it has nothing to do with how good or bad the book is, but more to do with how I’m feeling at any given moment.

So, in the spirit of sharing how ADHD and Autism affect my life… I want to share my current hyperfixations within my special interest: books I’m reading. I may share other special interests or hyperfixations in the future as well, but this is the longest running hyperfixation I’ve had and I don’t think it’ll ever change.

Right now I’m reading a few books:

Dirty Laundry: Why adults with ADHD are so ashamed and what we can do to help by Richard Pink and Roxanne Emery

Harvest Day: The Sovereign Code by Heidi Catherine and Tamar Sloane

ADHD Toolkit for Women by Linda Hill and Sarah Davis

And I think one or two more books as well, but I can’t remember them off the top of my head.

Anyway, that’s what I’m reading right now… if you like reading, what are you currently reading? If you don’t read, I’d love to know about your special interest or hyperfixation, or even just your favorite hobby! Share below! 💕

Book Review Monday: “How To Keep House While Drowning” by KC Davis

My Rating: ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐

Overall Thoughts: Highly recommend to anyone who feels like they are drowning in housework, and feeling down because they don’t feel like they’re meeting society’s expectations, real or perceived.

I absolutely loved this book! It made me feel good inside and I related to so much of it, maybe because the author is also ADHD, or maybe because she’s a parent and she just gets it. But, whatever it is, it was a book that I couldn’t put down, which is an accomplishment since I rarely read self-help or non-fiction books.

This book will inspire you and teach you how to love yourself and take care of yourself and your home, by adjusting your expectations and learning to view housework from another perspective.

If you haven’t read it yet, do it! Even if you don’t have ADHD, I’m convinced it’ll still be a good read! And if you DO have ADHD like me… well, I think you’ll probably be able to relate, especially if you’re also a mom!

For those of you who have read it, what did you think? Did you love it? Hate it? Not finish it? I’d love to hear in the comments below! If you haven’t read it yet, come back and leave a comment when you do! I’d love to hear your thoughts!

Bad Brain Days

Sunday was tough. There are just some days where I wake up and every decision I make or consider just leaves me feeling… bad. Like choosing whether or not to go to church yesterday. I felt bad thinking about going, but I felt just as bad not going. So, which do I choose? Do I go because I know I should go? Do I stay home because I really don’t want to go? What is the right answer?

Sometimes, I push myself to do something even though I don’t want to, because I know once I’m there I’ll be fine and I’ll enjoy myself. Like when I make plans with friends and the day comes and I don’t want to go. But some days, I feel like I can’t win, no matter what I do. And that’s when I know I need to do something for me.

So, my husband took the kids to church, and I stayed home and got a couple hours of alone time.

Sunday was what I like to call a “bad brain day” and when that happens, I know I just need to relax and do something for myself, because I’m burnt out and tired mentally and can’t do much else.

This is not a time to do something I would consider “self-care” but more a time to practice self-compassion. Just let myself exist. For me this can mean a few different things, but some of my favorite “bad-brain-day-self-compassion” activities are:

1. Take a long soak in the bath. This just completely relaxes my body, and feels amazing. Especially taking a warm bath on a cold day. Sometimes I’ll add bubbles or a bath bomb or Epsom salts to my bath for a little extra self-care. At the end, I leave the bath wishing I didn’t have to leave, but also feeling much more calm.

2. Read a good book. Usually this means a feel-good book. One I’ve read a few times and love. It feels like a hug for myself. For me, this is usually a book by Tamora Pierce, more specifically “Lady Knight” the last book in the Protector of the Small quartet. I just love everything about Kel’s story!

3. Work on a puzzle or craft. I love putting stuff together. It’s fun and it lets me forget about my life for a few hours. Right now I’m working on magnets for my daughter’s routine chart.

There are honestly so many options. Just find what feels right to you, and take care of yourself!

What do you do to practice self-compassion or self-care? I’d love to hear all about it in the comments!

I’m a Homemaker, Not a Stay-At-Home Mom

I always viewed homemaking and being a stay at home mom and housekeeping as different terms for the same basic job: keeping your house clean, and kids fed. It seems that a lot of people view it that way as well. I think because their mothers and grandmothers did it all.

Before my husband and I decided we were ready to start trying to have kids, we discussed important things like finances and how we wanted to parent our children, and especially whether we were both going to work outside the home or one of us was going to stay home while the kids were young. I’m thankful that somewhere along the line, we did our research and made the decision that I would stay home, but my job wouldn’t be taking care of the home. My job would only be childcare: caring for the emotional, and physical needs of our children. Any household chores like tidying, dishes, laundry, etc that got done while my husband was at work would be viewed as not necessary but appreciated, and household chores would be split 50/50.

Here’s the truth: I would not be a good mother if I was splitting my focus between my kids and the housework. Especially if I was the only parent home. When the kids are young (and they’re currently 15 months and almost 4 years), they need all the attention I can provide. Yes, they might be willing and able to play together or on their own for short periods of time, but some days they need attention the full time and some days they don’t. It’s not something I can predict. And, as an ADHD-er, I struggle with switching my attention from one task to another task on a whim. Especially someone else’s whim. More than once I’ve been frustrated by my children begging for attention while I’m trying to finish up something important. Even more so when they repeat themselves multiple times or start crying or screaming for attention. I can’t just switch to doing something else that quickly, even if I’m “expecting”. My brain just snaps and I feel like my head will explode.

So, obviously being the all-encompassing household manager, maid, cook, and everything to do with the home and children mom was never going to be in the equation for me. I would have been burnt out in a week (or less) and it would have cause so much resentment not only on my side, but on my husband’s side as well, because I wasn’t doing what we decided on. And even though we don’t place these expectations on me, I still find myself comparing myself to moms who do all these things and place those unreasonable expectations on myself, even though I know it’s just not in me to be that mom and wife. Anyone else?

Lately, I’ve been seeing the topic of homemaking and housekeeping come up more and more, and while I don’t know if it’s because I’m writing about it now so I’m just noticing it more (what’s that phenomenon called? [quick google search later] ah yes, Baader-Meinhof phenomenon), or if it’s because it’s becoming a bigger topic/deal… but it makes me excited to think that it might be becoming more popular again.

Whether you’re a mom, dad, spouse, or on your own/single, whether you work outside the home or inside, or not at all. I hope you will do your own research and work to make your house a home for you and your family.

What’s your take? Do you think parents who stay home with the kids should be in charge of the household chores too? Or do you believe, like we do, that housekeeping should be a family responsibility and doesn’t need to be done when one parent is gone?

Next week, I’ll delve more into the intricacies of housekeeping and homemaking, and discussing what each might entail and how you might implement one or both of them in your home. Leave any questions on the topic below, and I’ll try to address them in my blog post!

Bullet Journal 2023

A glance through my 2023 spreads as of January 2023

Here’s just a quick look at my bullet journal spreads for 2023! I got a little creative for my cover page for the year, even though it’ll probably only last me around 6 months.

Do you journal or use a planner? If so, what one? Do you bullet journal too?

Seeking An Evaluation

At the end of my latest therapy appointment, I asked my therapist about being diagnosed as Autistic. I’ve been researching for a few years and really relate to a lot of AuDHD (Autistic ADHD) women whose content I follow. My therapist recommended I take a quiz on a site just as a baseline to see what I did and did not relate to. I did and it showed I was likely Autistic.

When I messaged her with my result, she asked what my goal with going through the diagnostic process was and told me to bring that with me to my next session.

I’ve been thinking about my goal since I read her message. My next session with her is in about a week, and I’m still thinking.

Initially, my goal was to feel validated in who I think I am. To finally be able to say without a doubt that I’m Autistic and ADHD. Which is completely valid. But as I’ve been thinking I’ve also been listening to other stories by Autistic people I follow or talk to in groups I’m in. Some are diagnosed, some are self-diagnosed, and some are still exploring and researching. The one thing I’ve found to be common in all three groups is that search for validation and for a community of like-minded individuals.

I’ve also heard/read so many ableist stories about autistic people being told they can’t be autistic because of [whatever reason the speaker chose to latch onto]. And even so many stories of children being taken from parents who are Autistic or Neurodivergent in some way because they’re seen as unfit to be parents. Those stories in particular scare me, as I am already ADHD, and struggle. I would never want my identity to effect how someone saw me. I’m still the same me whether I’m diagnosed or not.

So, the long and the short of it is I’m still wrestling with this question, and with whether or not I want an evaluation at this point in time. Do I want to have the fact that I’m Autistic to be used against me at any point? Or do I just need supports and help for my everyday life? Can I get those supports and help without a diagnosis?

Those are the questions I want to ask my therapist at my next appointment.

So, what questions would you ask? Do you have any insight for me? I’d especially like to hear, if you are Autistic and you were diagnosed as an adult, how you came to that decision? Did you need work accommodations? Did you just want it for yourself? I’d love to hear in the comments below, or if you prefer you can email me at clarissaplagmann@gmail.com. I look forward to hearing from you!

You Are 110% Worthy

It’s a struggle feeling like you’re worthy of anything when you don’t live up to neurotypical standards.

What I mean by this, is it’s hard to feel adequate when all I see on mom groups is that as a stay at home mom I should be doing all the housework and childcare while my husband works. The truth is that’s just not going to happen. I’m just not able to handle childcare, and my self-care, and the household stuff all at once.

And, I tend to go in cycles. Some days I do ALL the self-care, but my kids are playing on their own or watching their screens all day. Other days the tv and tablet never get turned on because I’m playing with the kids all day, but I’m not taking care of myself and the house is a disaster because I didn’t clean the table after our snacks and meals or pick up toys when we’re done playing with them. Still other days, I don’t get anything done… for myself or the house or with my girls.

Slowly but surely I’m coming up with strategies to help me accomplish my goals, but it’s a very slow process. And a lot of trial and error. And even when I notice that something works for me, it takes time to make it a habit or add it to my routine. I try to do it all at once and unfortunately I fail every time, because I just don’t work like that.

I found that using Finch (a self-care app) has helped me start a routine of taking care of myself. And using Fabulous (a habit tracking/creating app) helped me start to set up good routines and habits. But if I fall off at all for any reason it’s like I’m starting all over again the next day.

One thing I have found helpful is joining groups that help me feel like I’m not alone. Groups for DSPS (delayed-sleep-phase-syndrome), moms with ADHD, homeschooling moms with ADHD (because I want to homeschool), parenting groups for parents who are neurodivergent. There are so many good groups out there! You just need to find them. And, at least for me, it helps me feel like I’m not alone in my struggles.

Last, but most importantly, my husband is really my biggest and greatest support. He not only picks up the slack around the house without complaint, he also comforts me when I feel like I’m not enough, reminds me I am enough, and reminds me that he chose me and would choose me over and over again.

In fact, today I haven’t done much but play Wylde Flowers on our new Nintendo Switch and scroll social media. I’ve been so overwhelmed. Meanwhile, he has single-handedly managed to empty and load and run the dishwasher, clean off the table twice, made every meal (even brought me dinner in bed), played with the kids, and ran at least one if not two loads of laundry through both the washer and dryer. Realizing this, I felt so terrible that I haven’t done anything all day. I told him he’d be better off without me, but he told me he didn’t want anyone else. He only wants me. I honestly don’t know what I would do without him.

So, just remember: you are worthy. You don’t need to live up to neurotypical standards. You can be amazing, and struggle with housework and all the other “adulting” skills. I may not be good at housework, but I am a good mom and a good wife, and a good friend. I’m a good homemaker and decorator. There’s more to life than housework and “adulting”. You’ve got this!

Cleaning With Littles

Let me start by saying I’m definitely not an expert and I am constantly evolving my routine, and what matters most to me is changing often. Especially as my littles grow and need more or less attention.

When my oldest was around 18 months, she loved helping me with chores, so I’d hand her laundry from the washer and have her put it in the dryer, or I’d have her hand me clean dishes from the dishwasher and I’d put them away. Other chores could wait until my husband and I were both home and we could do them together or while the other was watching our little. As she got older, we added in more little jobs for her like putting her toys away, putting blankets or pillows on couches, or vacuuming with a small cordless vacuum we bought.

Now our littles are almost 4 and 14 months. It’s been a real struggle for the last year and a half and we’ve been in survival mode for much of it. My ADHD has gotten so much worse and I started taking medication for it. I’m also in a class to learn strategies for dealing with my ADHD and in therapy. Even so, it’s a struggle keeping our home to the standards I set for myself, and my husband ends up doing most of the housework these days.

I’ve found the best thing for me in this season of life is practicing self-compassion. Give myself grace and support and love. Remind myself constantly that I’m loved and I’m doing my best, even if my best isn’t up to the standards of others. I’m a work in progress and so is my home.

Our cleaning routine these days is simple. My husband works nights and gets home around the time the littles and I wake up in the morning, so he’ll clean up any messes in the dining room that we didn’t get to the night before, and then get breakfast for the littles. I get ready for the day and get breakfast for myself and then my husband goes to bed. I clean the littles and then the kitchen while they watch a show on tv, if they cooperate.

At bedtime we (as in all four of us, or whoever has the time/energy) pick up toys, and vacuum if necessary. My husband and I run a load of dishes (or whichever of us is free/able to) after our nearly 4yo is in bed and clean the kitchen if there’s time and energy. Then my husband leaves for work. Any other chores that need done get done when we have a spare minute or energy throughout the week, or on the weekend when we’re both home and awake to tag team or work together.

I wish this was actually me! In actuality, I very rarely dust! But, it fit the theme. 🤷🏻‍♀️

You may be wondering more specifically what our 3, nearly 4, year old does to help out. Lately she has been helping clear the dishes off the table after meals, and pick up any food on the floor, if I/we have the energy to deal with it. Sometimes she’ll help unload the dishwasher, and she loves putting soap in the dishwasher and starting it when it’s full of dirty dishes. She also puts her toys away at the end of the day, with help from us. She loves loading and emptying the dryer, as well. When we pull the cordless vacuum out she asks to vacuum as well so we let her vacuum the living room, hallway, and her bedroom.

Our 14 month old doesn’t do quite as much, but she does help put toys and books away at the end of the day. She loves handing us her books so we can put them on shelves, and putting her toys in the toy bins in the living room.

In this season of life, that’s enough. We reevaluate and add chores as possible or as needed often, but I try not to place too much pressure on myself, as long as our home is functional and not dirty. It’s an ever-evolving thing, and probably will be for at least the next 18 years.

So, I’d love to know… what’s your routine? What do you prioritize? If you have littles (or used to be in this season of life), when/how do you do the household chores/responsibilities? Do your littles help? I’d love to hear all about it in the comments below!

Getting Ready for 2023

How do you prepare for the new year? Do you deep clean your house? Declutter? Set goals and intentions for the next year? Set up your new bullet journal?

Well, I must confess I don’t do much of the cleaning or decluttering, but I do try to set goals and intentions. Most of the time I fail, because I’m ADHD and I struggle with sticking to a goal. This year, I focused on a new goal each month. Some months I did great and other months not so much. My bullet journal helps me to track my goals and see how I’m doing from month to month.

Last week, I started taking a class on ADHD. In the class we discuss tips and strategies for helping us in our day to day lives. A lot of stuff isn’t immediately accessible to me, just because of the phase of life I’m currently in, however, I’m working on adjusting it to work for me.

With the new year coming up next week, I wanted to take some time to set my intentions for this blog. I originally started this blog because I wanted to share one stay at home mom’s experience as a mom with ADHD (and possibly Autism). I also wanted to just get back into writing, which is something I’ve always enjoyed but kind of put on the backburner for awhile.

So, my 2023 intentions for this blog are to just continue writing regularly. Share my experiences, the bad and the good, the hard and the easy. I want to share a real look into my life as a mom who struggles. The areas I’m choosing to focus on this year are: Family, self-compassion, writing, and physical well-being.

In January, my writing goal is to write four blog posts. So, be on the lookout for that! And if you don’t see one each week, feel free to message me and ask where it is, if you know me personally! Or message me on Instagram (@neurodivergent.homemaker).

Have a very happy New Year!

Clarissa, The Neurodivergent Homemaker

Managing Holiday Expectations

I have a love/hate relationship with holidays. Here’s why.

Every year I have such grand plans for the holidays and all we’re going to do. Lots of gifts (or minimal gifts if I’m in that state of mind that year). Lots of decorations to make the home feel cozy and warm and full of life and love and magic, of course.

And then along come the holidays and it just never seems to live up to my expectations. Nothing feels magical anymore, setting everything up is so difficult (even with help), and it just doesn’t feel how I wanted it to feel. Inevitably I end up feeling sad it didn’t all work out, while still enjoying the little moments with my girls and husband.

I think a huge part of it is because of my ADHD. I love new ideas and thinking about how I’ll do things, but I’m not so good at putting things into action and actually doing them.

So, this year I’m going small. One bigger toy for each kid (already bought, just need wrapped and tagged), pajamas (also already bought, just need wrapped and tagged!) for them to wear throughout the season that they’ll get on December 1st, wrapping up our Christmas books so they can open one each night to read at bedtime leading up to Christmas. Simple ways of making the season magical without making things too difficult for me.

How do you manage your expectations for the holidays, without sacrificing the magic and family time? I’d love to know!