The Neurodivergent Homemaker

Looking Back… I Never Could Have Imagined…

Seven years ago, I was in Mexico teaching kids English, exploring the country on the weekends and on vacations. I wasn’t dating and I had no dating prospects. I had just finished all but one class I needed to graduate and I walked for my degree, knowing I wouldn’t be back for school and I’d be finishing my degree online.

Six years ago, I was engaged to my now husband. We had only known each other a short time, but we had faith it would work. We both wanted it to work and were willing to put in the work to make it work. I had some initial doubts but ultimately I decided to marry him and I do not regret that decision at all.

Five years ago, I was putting in my two week notice at my job, knowing I wouldn’t get many hours during the summer, and that I wanted a better job and we wanted to start a family. We had only been together a little over a year and married about 9 months, but we already had doubts about if we’d even be able to have kids, because intercourse was too painful for me. I applied for a job at our local library a few blocks from our house (which was perfect because I can’t drive, but I could ride my bike to work). We were at a crossroads.

Spring/early Summer 2018, taken right before my job interview at the library. Spoiler: I didn’t get the job.

Four years ago we had a 2 month old baby. She was the most perfect little baby and we fell in love the moment we held her in our arms.

My husband, me, and our 2 or 3 month baby in early summer 2019, after her baby blessing.

Three years ago, we’d been in lockdown for a couple months. It was the covid pandemic and so much was uncertain. We weren’t able to have the party we wanted for our 1 year old and I was so depressed and anxious, and started to feel like there was no hope for the future. I was feeling suicidal. I was diagnosed with postpartum depression and started taking anti-depressants and started on my long road to recovery.

Two years ago I was pregnant with our second baby. We had a scare where they could see the egg sac but couldn’t see a heartbeat or a baby. We spent two weeks wondering if we were going to lose our baby. We decided then that we wouldn’t be having anymore babies, even if we did lose this pregnancy, because I was so sick all day everyday that first trimester, and pregnancy and childbirth were not easy for me at all.

April 2021, second trimester with my youngest. 🥰

One year ago, we had a healthy 7 month old baby girl. We had a few rough months adjusting to being a family of four in a post-covid world. We were terrified of her getting sick, so we isolated as much as possible all winter. I had dislocated my knee a couple times since giving birth to my second baby (once in the hospital, the day after giving birth, and again six months later). I was under the care of an orthopedic surgeon and we had surgery planned for a month later. My husband had to use pretty much all of his paternity leave, sick time, vacation time, and FMLA just to stay home and take care of me and the girls that year, and we still had to borrow money from family because a lot of that time was unpaid.

Spring 2022… just a few minutes before I dislocated my knee for the second time, which led to surgery (which I am so happy about!)

Today… well I’m not sure what I’d say about today. I am very blessed to be 11 months post-mpfl reconstruction surgery on my left knee. We have two amazing little girls ages 4, and 19 months. I’m still fighting depression. I’ve been learning more about my neurodivergent brain and how it works and figuring out how to adjust our family lifestyle and environment to make things easier for all of us. We are doing better and worse financially than we ever have been before, but we’re slowly digging ourselves out of debt (most of which we accrued in the months immediately following giving birth to our youngest and going through surgery and recovery).

May 2023, date night with husband while my sister watches the girls. 🥰

I had no idea five years ago that I’d be the mom of not just one but two little girls five years later. Or that we’d be either in or almost in a recession, but somehow still hanging on. I had no idea I’d be a homemaker, because I do not like chores. I had no idea that I’d end up having surgery on my knee after dislocating it another two times (I’d been dislocating my knee since the age of 13)… in fact, that wasn’t even on my radar as a possibility. So much can change in one single year, let alone five or ten or fifteen. You aren’t stuck. There is hope.

So, hang in there. You don’t know where you’ll be in a year, two years, five years… yes, it may still be hard. You may still be fighting depression or anxiety, or may have other bigger fights ahead… but you may also be living your dream, raising children, buying a house, starting that dream career. You never know!

Clarissa

How To Not Lose Your Mind Road-tripping With Littles

My kids are 4 years old and 18 months old. I love them so much, but they drive me crazy. April 29th-May 7th we road-tripped down to Las Vegas, NV from Willamette Valley Oregon to see my family. It was my 18 month old’s first time seeing all but her Grandpa (who visited in February, when his brother passed away), and my 4 year old’s first time since she was 9 months old. We got to see one of their Aunts, two Uncles, and Grandma and Grandpa. Sadly their other Aunt was not in Las Vegas while we were there.

Anyway, we learned a few tricks the hard way, so I thought I’d share some tips in case you are planning a road trip with little ones soon!

1. Bring your loop earplugs (or whatever you use to block out noise or at least reduce it) and wear them! Seriously! I brought mine but never put them in, and I really wish I had. It would have made the crying a lot easier to handle.

2. Make sure and pack Tylenol and Benadryl for everyone. And anything you might need for car sickness! My youngest threw up a couple times on our road trip, and it was not fun cleaning that up. After the second time it happened, I googled and learned Benadryl actually helps with motion/car sickness! Luckily, we had packed the children’s Benadryl and had a sticky note with measurements for her. So we gave her Benadryl before driving and we didn’t have another problem! (We gave her a low dose, but use your own discretion as your child’s parent or guardian).

3. Have snack cups and dry finger foods on hand for when the little kids get fussy! We forgot to bring snack cups, so we bought some the second day, after I got tired of handing them one pretzel at a time. 😅 It helped so much on the trip home! It’s even easier with kids ages 4 and up, because you can pack a lunch box or other container of different snacks they love, and just let them have it for the trip.

4. Get a case that attaches your tablet to your car for your kids to watch movies! We pre-downloaded some of their favorites on the tablet for them and just turned it on right before we started driving again. It was a lot of screen time, but honestly there wasn’t a whole lot to do. Only thing that would have made this better is if I could have controlled it from the passenger seat. I couldn’t reach the tablet to turn on another movie while we were driving. If you know of any devices that allow you to remotely control it from your phone, or allows you to control it without touching it, let me know below!

5. This one is more for older kids, but I saw this idea online and we had to do it: print up a map of the route you’re taking and let them color it and show them where you are as you go along! We weren’t great about keeping up with this one, but I think if they were both a little older it would have been fun to show them and let them color in our route as we went along! Highly recommend! Maybe even print some pages related to places you’re going or passing through, too! Make it educational!

Overall, just remember this trip will be over soon! You can do it!

Let me know below: what are your favorite tips or hacks for road trips? I’d love to know!

Clarissa

Change

A few weeks ago I went to clean up our snack mess, so we could color eggs for Easter, and I went to grab some cleaning wipes and couldn’t find them where they normally are. I looked all over the place but they weren’t in the other common places we might find them (on the counter next to the sink or on the table). So, I called to my husband in the other room: “Do you know where the wipes are?”

He came in and said there weren’t any and pulled out a new set of three he’d bought in anticipation of the wipes being used up. He opened it up and handed me a bottle of cleaning wipes and I cleared the table and opened it up to pull a wipe out to clean the table. The first thing I noticed was the texture. It had changed. It grated at my nerves but I managed to control it. I asked my husband: “Are these the same kind we always buy? They feel different. I don’t like it.”

He said, “Yeah, I noticed they feel different. More texture, less wet.”

Why do companies always do this? Why do they switch up their ingredients or their products without telling us, the consumers? I suspect it has to do with making more money or saving money. But, it’s extremely annoying to two very big groups of people that I’m a part of: Neurodivergents and people with allergies.

Obviously, these companies are required to update their ingredients lists, but did you know that they don’t have to include a cross-contamination warning on their labels? And some people are so sensitive to their allergies that even a tiny amount can cause an allergic reaction. Those with that severe of an allergy either have to grow and butcher and make all their food themselves from scratch… or email or call every company whose food or products they buy to check for possible cross contamination with their allergen.

I don’t know where I’m going with this, but I wanted to at least bring attention to this for those of you who know anyone in these two groups and deal with these issues. It’s frustrating needing to check everything, and then some things you can’t check ahead of time and it just surprises you, and not always in a good way. So, the next time someone freaks out about a slight change to a product or is upset about a change in the ingredients of something they love, I hope you think about this and about how hard it must be for them, and that you offer them compassion and support while they work through their emotions.

Clarissa

My Values and Beliefs: My Life Purpose

Taking a break from my normal content to share some other personal thoughts and observations I’ve had recently.

I was scrolling Pinterest earlier today, and came across this quote by Rick Warren (who I don’t follow, by the way, but I am Christian) “Without God, life has no purpose, and without purpose life has no meaning. Without meaning, life has no significance or hope.” This quote stuck out to me like a thorn in the side (weird analogy? Probably, but true nonetheless).

Lately, I’ve been pondering my life and my goals and dreams. I’ve felt like I was drifting, with no direction. A huge part of that was my depression, but another part was that a lot of my dreams and goals up to this point have been tied up completely in my faith. My goals were things like being sealed in the temple (I was sealed to my husband in 2017 in the temple), “multiplying and replenishing the earth” (again, I’m a mom, I have two kids who were born in 2019 and 2021, but I’m done having kids of my own now), returning to live with God in His kingdom (lifelong goal, obviously), and spreading His word (long-term goal).

However, they haven’t left me feeling fulfilled, in fact, they made my depression and anxiety worse, because what if I failed? What if I wasn’t good enough? What if I wasted my life and it turned out God wasn’t real? Or God wasn’t who I thought He was and I was following the wrong God? Not only that, but that’s not how my brain works. I don’t do well with long-term goals. I lose focus and forget what I’m working toward, thanks to my ADHD brain (there’s science here, which I might write about in the future, but I’ll leave it at this for now).

I also struggle with “out of sight, out of mind” so when I was going to church a couple times a week as a young single adult and around others who held the same beliefs as me all the time, and was attending a church school where we started every class by praying and sometimes with a scripture… it was a lot easier to stay focused on my goals.

The pandemic messed that up. I wasn’t in college anymore, I couldn’t attend the temple because it closed for a couple years, church was at home rather than in person, and as a young married mom I also didn’t have all the other meetings I had as a young single adult (which were also cancelled, anyway). It then fell on me to hold those goals and plans in my own mind without any help or any reminders (without seeking them out). On top of that I was dealing with postpartum depression and my anxiety was through the roof as a young mom of a 1-2 year old and then a newborn and a 2.5 year old and basically no support system other than my in-laws and husband.

So, I’ve been working on finding my own purpose outside of church, choosing my own long and short-term goals that make me feel good and accomplished. It’s been a struggle because so much of my life and big decisions have been tied to my faith, so what am I outside of my faith? And, so many of my big decisions have been made out of fear of judgement from God, the people I love, the church… so it’s hard learning to make decisions based on logic, reality, love, and the things I value.

So, I’m curious… what are your thoughts on purpose and meaning of life? Is there meaning beyond what church and God provide? What is your meaning or purpose?

Here is what I’ve decided so far about my beliefs and values, outside of God and church and faith:

It’s a work in progress, as always, but this is what makes me happy and feel peace.

Love and light always,

Clarissa

Overwhelm

Overwhelmed. That’s the only way I know to describe this overpowering feeling of not knowing what to do, not feeling like doing anything because it all just seems so daunting, not caring about anything important or anyone else. Just wanting to evaporate into thin air and not exist anymore because it’s just all too much.

And I feel like this all. the. time. It’s frustrating. I want to be able to make a schedule and follow it. A schedule that includes free play for the girls, outside time, chores, less screen time (for me and the girls)… but I can’t. Because I just feel frozen. I can’t do anything. Except apparently write.

How do you deal with overwhelm? Let me know in the comments, I could use ALL the advice!

Money Really Can Buy Happiness

I know we’ve all heard the saying “money won’t buy happiness,” and it’s always accompanied by some story about a poor man who is happy because he’s grateful for what he has and he has a good family and so much love, and some story on the opposite end of a wealthy person who is unhappy.

I’m sure we’ve also all heard the opposing view, where someone says money can buy happiness because it can buy things that can make life easier.

I’m firmly somewhere in the middle. Both sides have a point. A lot about happiness is learning to appreciate what you have, especially the love of family and friends. But, that’s not enough. And here’s where the other side comes in…

It doesn’t matter how much love you have or how grateful you are for what you have, if some of your basic needs aren’t met. Look at Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs, which go something like: Physiological Needs (breathing, food, water, shelter, clothing, etc) —> Safety and Security (health, employment, property, family, and social ability, etc) —> Love and Belonging (family, friendship, intimacy, sense of connection, etc) —> Self-Esteem (confidence, achievement, respect of others, the need to be an individual, etc) —> Self-Actualization (morality, creativity, spontaneity, acceptance, experience purpose, meaning, and inner potential, etc). They need to be met in order, so if one of the lower needs aren’t met before a higher need, it doesn’t matter that the higher need is met.

Now, the lowest needs are almost entirely needs that require money… that is shelter, clothing, drinkable water, food… already we’re seeing how money really can buy happiness.

Look at the next need: Safety and Security… again, quite a few of these require money: health, employment (car to get to work, and buy nice clothes, and now even a computer to work on or find a job with), property, family (weddings, get-togethers, babies, children, etc all require money, to some extent… even just getting married in a courthouse can cost you money over time depending on you and your spouse’s financial situation prior to marriage), social ability (eating out with friends, even just having friends over costs money in the long run).

The next one is something a lot of neurodivergent people struggle with, that money could go some way to resolve, and that’s Love and Belonging. So many Neurodivergent people go through life feeling different, not able to keep friendships or relationships, not feeling like they truly belong… until they find the Neurodivergent community. However, for so many who can’t afford health insurance or the cost of therapy/counseling… they’ll spend their whole lives not knowing who their people are. With the rise of bloggers and social media influencers, neurodivergent people have come out into the open more and started educating people, but so many are still getting missed because of misconceptions and lack of supports. And this is making love and connection and a sense of belonging something out of reach for primarily people of color and poor people.

And lastly there is self-esteem (how others view you and how you believe they see you, which again can be influenced by money…) and self-actualization. At this point, if you can’t afford any of the lower tiers, I doubt you’d have time for the highest tier: creativity (which also costs money, depending on what you want to create), inner potential (schooling and learning can cost a lot of money, and time!), and morality (when you’re faced with the choice of starving or stealing or doing something else morally wrong just to eat… do you really have the ability to have “morals”?)

For me, personally: I have the bottom tier met, currently (but aren’t we all only a paycheck or two away from not having them met?) However, the second tier is where I start to hit snags. I’m not mentally or physically healthy. I have so many health issues I haven’t even been able to deal with because of money and time and other medical or mental health issues. We have lots of stuff, but not enough space for what we need. And although we have family nearby, we’re also quite far from other family members we wish we could see more often, and although we have friends we have no time to see them and get together because of work and other obligations. Then comes Love and Belonging. I have a husband who loves me and daughters and amazing in-laws and my parents and siblings… but I’ve always felt different, and although I was diagnosed as ADD (now ADHD) in college, there wasn’t as much known about it at the time and I didn’t consider that it could be why I felt different from everyone else. I also haven’t been able to get an autism diagnosis. Thankfully I’ve found community in online groups on Facebook, but if I didn’t have them I would be spiraling and overwhelmed more than I am now with no idea why. Given all of that, no wonder I struggle with the top two tiers: self-esteem and self-actualization. I don’t have my other needs met, so how would I meet my needs of feeling confident and able and creative?

Money can and does buy happiness, in the form of services and practical life skills and belongings, and property, and the ability to find where you belong. Not in the inconsequential things people tend to think of, like expensive clothes and jewelry and cars… but in the ability to hire someone to help you clean your house because you can’t, and hire someone to help you work through your trauma and help you find a community where you can belong, and help you buy the things to make memories with your children and family. These are the important things in life, and if you’re in poverty, they most likely aren’t being met. So, no matter how grateful I am for what I do have… there is just still so much I need that I don’t have, and no amount of saying or trying to convince myself of how grateful I am for what I do have will convince me or others that I am truly happy and truly have everything I need. Because I don’t.

And that’s how money really does buy happiness.

Why Self-Diagnosing is Valid

I know what you’re probably thinking… that professionals know best, and you can’t really know unless you see a professional. Well, here’s my take on why that is fundamentally wrong.

1. Professionals can’t know everything. Yes there are specialists who specialize in diagnosing Autism, but regular therapists and counselors don’t know everything. It’d take a lifetime for them to know everything to do with our brains and how they are different. On top of that, no one can be an expert on YOUR brain, but you! YOU know what is going on in your head, no one else.

2. Even if you see someone who specializes in Autism, they can make mistakes. They can let bias get in the way of a diagnosis. No one is going to fit the stereotypical mold exactly. Everyone is different. That includes Autistic people. We’re all different, with varying levels of abilities, and varying levels of masking.

3. Getting a diagnosis is expensive and inaccessible for a lot of people. On top of that, the majority of the research done is on young white males, and presents differently for women, people of color, and other marginalized groups. Because of this, even if you find someone who specializes in Autism, they might not be up to date on how it can present in your demographic.

4. Adults who are getting diagnosed now usually have masked heavily for years. It’s hard to drop the mask when that’s been your persona for so long. It’s a process. But, because of masking, the questionnaires don’t adequately help with diagnosing Autism because the symptoms are masked through years of trying to be like everyone else.

5. ADHD can mask Autism symptoms, so can Anxiety. Autism symptoms can also mask ADHD symptoms and Anxiety symptoms. Treating or unmasking any one of these conditions can bring the others forward. That doesn’t mean that someone wasn’t always Autistic or ADHD. It just means certain other symptoms were more pronounced and covered other symptoms. Because of this, it’s not uncommon for someone with ADHD to start taking medication or start adjusting their lifestyle to fit their brain and then start discovering other things about themselves that they previously hadn’t noticed.

All in all, if someone says they are Autistic… maybe just believe them? No one wants to be autistic, unless they actually are and are just looking for their people, or need help! So rather than dismissing them, help them! Find resources, share accounts with #actuallyautistic in the tags, do some research so they don’t have to share everything themselves (advocating for yourself can get exhausting after awhile). And most of all, ask how you can be supportive, and accommodate their needs.

My 4 year old took this while waiting in a long line for her birthday surprise (Jurassic Quest!) and I absolutely love this picture of me! 🥰

Love and light from Clarissa, your resident Autistic and ADHD writer, sharing her experiences and thoughts and feelings with the world.

If you think you might be Autistic, go to embrace-Autism.com and take their questionnaires! They have a lot of great information and will even diagnose Autistic people (their evaluation is one of the least expensive I’ve found and can be done from home, online). They take into account how it can affect different demographics, and they take into account masking! I have not personally used their services, but I have taken their questionnaires and found it helpful in my own journey to self-diagnosing. 💕

Women’s History Month

I wanted to take a moment and say how grateful I am to live now in this time. I grew up in the 90’s. I got to see strong women all around me all my life. Women who worked corporate jobs, women who stayed home with their kids. Both strong in their own ways. I never automatically assumed I’d just be a mother and stay home with my kids, although my mom was a homemaker and was always home when we were. She did also work part time jobs here and there. She had hobbies outside of just being a mother (she’s a writer like me). That was the example I had growing up.

And the truth is, that if I’d grown up even just twenty or thirty years before, I wouldn’t have had as many examples of women who got to choose what they wanted to do with their lives. They were still strong, and honestly I don’t know how they did it, but the only examples I would have had (at least within my limited sphere) is women who stayed home and took care of the house and did all the housekeeping and took care of the kids, and that’s about it.

Now, I’m a homemaker. I’m home all day every day with our little girls. But, I don’t do all the cooking, or the meal prep or planning, I don’t set all the doctor’s appointments, or do all the household cleaning. In fact, I’m not very good at any of that, thanks to my ADHD. But, my husband is good at those, so although he works 10 hours, 4 days a week, he comes home and does housework, and plays with the kids, and we work as partners to keep our home and family going. If one of us is struggling, the other steps up and takes on their load. Unfortunately, in our home, a lot of the time this means my husband is the one usually stepping up to the plate and taking on the majority of the work, because I’m worn out or I’m in pain or I’m struggling.

However, if I had been born even a couple decades earlier… I’m not sure I would have been able to handle all the invisible and visible labor of being a stay at home mom and homemaker… because that’s just not me. And the truth is, sometimes I wonder why I’m a homemaker, when I clearly don’t like any of these things. So, here’s the answer:

I love making my house a home. I love setting up our home for functionality and beauty. I love seeing my girls every single day, and always being home when my husband is so we can spend time as a family of four.

I love that I can choose my own priorities and my personal focus every day, week, month, year….

So, I’m so grateful to all the women who came before me, who made this possible. I’m thankful to my mom for never teaching me the only option was to be a stay at home mom. I’m thankful to my husband’s mom, who raised the amazing man I married. I’m thankful to all the generations of women in my family who came before me (I honestly don’t know how they did it). Most of all, I’m thankful to myself, for enduring. For continuing even when it got so hard I wanted to just end it all… because my girls, and my husband, and our life together is worth all the heartache and pain and struggles I go through on a daily basis.

Happy Women’s History Month! Thanks for being you, exactly as you are!

Clarissa

What are three objects you couldn’t live without?

The three objects I couldn’t live without…

1. My cellphone with Wi-Fi connection or data.

2. My books!

3. My stuffed animals (they’re so soft and cuddly… if I had to pick one, though, I’d probably say my squishmallow Oakley 🥰).

Writing and Posting

I started off this year planning to post on a certain day of the week, once a week. Then I read something that said the best thing to do is post as often as possible, so I posted everyday for five days. I quickly realized that was too often for me as a mom of two who is already struggling and overwhelmed.

I think I’ve settled on one post a week on whatever day I get around to it, though I’ll try to post every Monday.

The thing is, my days and weeks all look different. Even when I have a “routine” it still looks different from day to day because I’m dealing with kids and the house and my husband and my depression and ADHD and Autism. It’s a lot.

So, I’ll try to post, because I love blogging and writing, but it might not be often or on a set schedule for awhile.

I hope you’re all having a much better week than my family is. ❤️

See you next week!