The Neurodivergent Homemaker

School, Chaos, and More

Wow, it’s been a few weeks since I last posted on here. So sorry for the short hiatus. We’ve had a lot going on here the last few weeks.

The end of August, our oldest kid’s preschool teacher contacted us about a home visit before school started so she could get to know our kids and our family. It was a good visit, and the next week we went to the school to see the classroom and see what preschool would be like.

Mid-September our oldest started preschool and it’s been a few weeks of just figuring out our new schedule and trying to fit family time and chores in around school and work and everything else going on these days.

On top of all that, I’ve been dealing with a lot mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and even physically, and just haven’t felt up to writing. It’s a struggle to care sometimes, even about things I absolutely love doing.

The next couple months are always the busiest time of the year around here (probably for many of you as well) but I’m going to try to post as often as possible. We have a few things coming up I’m excited about and I’ll probably write about:

– Birthdays (my youngest is turning 2, and I have my birthday a week later!)

– Halloween!

– Spirit of Halloweentown!

– Thanksgiving

– Winter Solstice

– Christmas!

All the fun!

If you enjoy reading my blog, please consider liking, subscribing, sharing, whatever you feel like doing to show you enjoy my blog. And, come back for more tips for handling neurodivergence and Homemaking!

I hope you all have an amazing week and I’ll catch you next time!

Your friendly neurodivergent homemaker,

Clarissa

Medication, ADHD, and Depression

How do you know if your medication is working? If it’s antibiotics for a sickness, it’s fairly easy to tell because you get better physically, but how do you tell when it’s for something like depression or ADHD?

Honestly, I’m not sure. And it doesn’t help that when I talk to my psychiatrist I don’t remember how the last month has gone. I also don’t remember what I was like when I was unmedicated. I just don’t remember details like that.

All I know, is my depression has been getting worse, and I’m still struggling with my executive dysfunction and getting stuff done.

So, when do I say this isn’t working? Is it when it gets so bad I’m not functioning at all? Is it when I start to struggle? How do I draw the line between when I’m doing fine and when I’m not doing fine?

These are the questions I ask myself about my medications. But this time, I’m bringing up my concerns with my psychiatrist, and I’m going to try to get back in with a therapist, because something has to change. I can’t keep going on like this, not feeling capable of taking care of myself, let alone my family and our home.

So, that’s where I’ve been mentally the last couple weeks. Hopefully I’ll be doing better in the near future.

PMDD and ADHD

Almost a year ago now, I had a severe depression episode… one where I thought about hurting myself and believed everyone would be better off without me. It was scary. It was at that point I started doing research and realized I may have PMDD.

PMDD stands for Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder. I’m sure many women and even a lot of men, have heard of PMS (which stands for premenstrual syndrome). PMDD is like PMS but more severe and dangerous.

I have a cycle I go through each month. It starts with my period, during which I have bad cramps and bleed for 5-7 days. Usually the worst of it is around day 3 or 4. After that comes around a week or week and a half of good days, where I feel like I’m on top of the world and I can do anything. Those are the days I consider doing things and making plans for future days, which I then regret on those future days (funny but true). Around days 14-21 is when it starts to get bad. I lose the ability to focus on things I need to be doing, I become more fidgety, I feel more tired, more anxious, and way more depressed than usual. Then I start spotting and I start feeling more emotional and depressed and anxious. Sometimes this progresses all the way to feeling suicidal, though that doesn’t occur every month. And then the cycle starts over again.

Unfortunately, my ADHD symptoms become worse during the week or two leading up to my period starting each month, which makes it harder for me to function. Thankfully, I’m almost always home, but it does make me feel terrible about not taking my girls out more, because there are really only a few days a month where I feel good enough to handle going out with them alone.

ADHD and PMDD are comorbid, with it affecting almost half of all women with ADHD. On top of that, it affects nearly all Autistic women (according to this article which links scholarly articles, it affects around 92% of Autistic women).

So why does no one talk about this? I have a few theories.

It has only been in the last few decades that talking about periods publicly has become more accepted. My mom found out about periods from her big sister, not her mom, which is why she always made sure I knew about periods (I don’t even remember when I first heard about periods, and when I got mine I wasn’t worried at all because I was expecting it).
Even though it is more common now to talk about our periods, there are still things we don’t talk about as much, such as the symptoms we all suffer through when we’re on our periods: cramps, depression, mood swings, painful periods… We touch on the basics and we hear these things are common, but since we can’t feel how others experience their periods we just think it’s normal when we can’t get out of bed each month because we’re in so much pain.
Until more recent years, not much was known about periods, other than the basic function of them. So, we didn’t know much about PMDD, we had a basic understanding of the more mild version of that called PMS, and we didn’t know anything about PCOS or Endometriosis… all of which can cause painful periods and a whole host of other issues.

I won’t go into more details now, because honestly I’m in the middle of all of this, dealing with extreme depression (thankfully not suicidal thoughts, though). But, I may do more research and talk more about this one of those weeks when I’m doing good.

Until then, I hope you are having a better week than I am.

Clarissa

Spending Time With Little Ones

I struggle with imaginative play.

As a child, I didn’t have a problem playing imaginatively with friends and siblings. But looking back on it, the majority of our imaginative play was acting out real-life scenes/events/people, rather than making up our own stories. Our play had all the limitations of the world around us.

Now, as a mother of two little ones, I struggle to not only play with them when they are imagining, but I also struggle just to have the attention span they require and not be bored out of my mind.

I’ve tried finding other avenues for connecting with them, but if it interests me it’s not something I’m willing to do with them… mainly because they’re so little that it really just ends up being me supervising them doing the thing I really want to be doing and doesn’t actually end up being fun for me.

Sometimes, I feel selfish for these thoughts and feelings. Especially when I read blog posts or other posts by parents on social media who do play with their kids and don’t do screen time. I honestly don’t know how they do it, and I’m happy for them that it works… but that’s not me.

I often wonder if I’m hurting my kids by allowing them so much screen time and not playing with them as often as it seems other parents play with their kids. I don’t ever want them to feel like I don’t care. I never want them to feel neglected or unloved.

So, I try to spend one on one time with them doing things they love, every single day. With my oldest, this means cuddling and watching her favorite show, or playing with playdoh together, or reading to her. With my youngest, it generally just means spending five minutes letting her lead. Lately that means hiding under blankets with her over and over again, or reading her favorite book to her a few dozen times in a row.

What about you? Do you do imaginative play with your little ones? Do you enjoy it, or just endure it? I’d love to know your thoughts down below!

Clarissa

How To Set Up Your Environment To Support You

One of the biggest things I’ve learned the last year is the importance of setting up your environment to support you rather than hinder you.

Especially as an AuDHD-er, I struggle with so many things that Neurotypicals don’t. Just a couple off the top of my head:

Time Blindness, which is not knowing how much time passes or how long things will take. My mind tends to think anything I’m dreading (like chores) will take forever, even if it will only really take two minutes. This is a real problem as a homemaker, mom, and wife. One way I fix this is by setting alarms. I also do certain things at certain times, like meals and snacks. Another way is by having stuff on our dining room wall reminding me what I need to be doing and when. I have a routine on the wall, along with a calendar with events we have planned throughout the year, and a whiteboard calendar for the current month. We write important notes, events, appointments, etc on the whiteboard so we know what’s coming up.

Out of sight, out of mind is another thing I struggle with. If I can’t see it, it’s like it doesn’t exist. This is another reason I have routines and events, etc on our wall. It’s in a place I see multiple times a day, and it reminds me what I need to remember. I have also been trying to keep an up-to-date list of what we have for snacks, and ingredients, and a list of meals for the week on the fridge or the wall in our dining room. This one is a work in progress, as is everything. We are constantly changing things as we come up with new ideas to make it work, which is great for my ADHD mind that loves novelty.

It’s important to think about where you struggle most. For me, as listed above, it’s mainly not “feeling” time passing and forgetting things exist if I can’t see them. Lists and objects out in the open help me remember what I need to know/remember. I also keep digital clocks where I can see them and therefore see time going by, and put alarms on my phone and Alexa to remind me to do things at certain times.

When figuring out how to make your environment work with, rather than against you, it’s all about adding or taking stuff away from the environment. An example I was given in a class I took, was: If you want to start riding your bike more rather than driving, but you never do because your car is so easy to take… sell your car so you have to use your bike or walk or take public transportation to get places. Either place a block in your way or add something to help you remember/do whatever it is you need to do.

What is one small thing you can change in your environment this week that would make your life so much easier? For me, I’m going to get some more whiteboards to put on our refrigerator for lists. I’ve found I really like writing down my to-do list and plan on a whiteboard and crossing things off throughout the day.

Clarissa

A Few Ideas for Homemaking That Anyone Can Do

1. Practice Self-Care as a need rather than a want.

Self-care. It’s a phrase often used by bloggers and stay at home moms on social media these days. But what does it really mean?

Self-care is taking care of your mental and physical well-being. It can include things like taking a relaxing bath, meditating, working out, eating a healthy (or fun) snack, writing, reading, crafting… whatever makes you feel good! And when I say good, I want to stress how important this is: self-care should leave you feeling better after than you felt before.

A few months ago, in one of my sessions with my therapist, she asked me what I do to rejuvenate and take care of myself. Mostly, I just play video games and scroll facebook. Occasionally I read a book or work on my bullet journal. I’m fairly good about doing things I like that give me instant dopamine, because my ADHD brain craves dopamine so I tend to follow it, even if I don’t necessarily have the time. However, I’ve noticed a lot of times it’s not enough and doesn’t leave me feeling better afterward… I just end up craving more and more of it. But, when my self-care is truly rejuvenating like eating a healthy snack, working out, meditating, or reading a good book I end it feeling better than I did before. That’s how I know it was a good use of my self-care time. The other things like playing video games and scrolling facebook are fine, in moderation, but don’t work longer term for self-care for me (I want to stress that those things don’t work for me, but may work for you, and that’s okay!)

2. Set a cleaning schedule you will actually stick to.

I know, I know… in my last post about homemaking I said it wasn’t about housework… but, it does play a part in how we feel in our space, so I’m adding it here anyway. This is one aspect I struggle with so much. I shared my review of KC Davis’ book “How to Keep House While Drowning” awhile back. This book helped me so much with my expectations for my home and gave me practical tips for housework.

I think all the best homemakers have a good schedule they can stick to every day/week. My therapist recommended I write two lists of chores: Needs and Wants.

Under my needs list, I wrote chores that need to be done every day and every week, no matter what. Things like wiping the kitchen table at least once a day (more realistically, this happens after every meal), running a load of dishes through the dishwasher daily, and taking trash out once or twice a week (or as needed).

My wants list had chores I could get away with not doing as often as the needs. Like making the bed, mopping floors (except when my youngest drops food on the floor during meals), cleaning appliances often, etc.

She told me to write out the list with my husband, and then each day we would start with the chores on the needs list, and then if we have time or energy maybe work on one of the chores on the wants list. That way all the important stuff got done, and the other stuff gets done occasionally as I (or my husband) have time or energy.

3. Create a cozy and comfortable space where you feel at peace.

My favorite thing in the world for the last few years or so is to watch videos on interior decorating. I love all things hygge and minimal and cozy. I strongly believe a home should be a place where everyone can be themselves and express themselves however they need to. For me, this means my home should be the place where I (and my family) feel most at peace and comfortable.

I use interior decorating to make my home feel like an extension of my family. We have family pictures on our walls, and pictures that inspire us. We try to keep things neat and cleaned up so that we can get around easily and find comfy spots to sit. We have a ton of throw blankets in the living room, probably around two per person.

Even if you don’t have a home that you can decorate and move furniture around in or paint or whatever you would love to do but can’t… you can still create a peaceful space for yourself somewhere like your bed or bedroom, or whatever area you have control over.

Some tips: try adding cozy blankets or throws, stuff you collect, lamps with warm light, books you love or on subjects you love, lots of comfy pillows, your favorite colors (if you can’t paint, you can use wallpaper that easily comes off, or use decor or art to add some color), framed pictures of people, places, or things you love (like your family, pets, animals, landscape, etc).

4. Spend time with those who matter most to you.

All humans need and crave connection. We are social creatures, just all to varying levels. It’s important, as a homemaker, to make time to connect with those you love.

Have a game night or movie night. Make a favorite meal and eat it together. Go window shopping or go to the beach. Stay home and talk for hours. Whatever makes you (and your loved ones) happy. Just connect! A home isn’t a home without those you love.

What about you? How do you make your house a home? I’d love to hear below!

Adjusting For My Weaknesses

A while ago I wrote about weaknesses and how it’s important to know your weaknesses and adjust your life so that they can be strengths instead. I said I’d write more about that, the next week, but then life got in the way, so… here is that post!

I’ve noticed that I’m not great at time management, or following through with stuff I need to do. I’m also not great at remembering my goals and putting them into motion. One of the things I learned about in my ADHD class was how to adjust your environment rather than trying to change your behavior. So, here is how I adjust my environment to help me do the things I need to do.

Time Management– Alarms, notes all over the house, alarms on Alexa, routines. When I have a certain amount of time I try to do it during a certain time period (like I’ll turn on a movie or tv episode for the girls and then work during that time while they watch). I also might turn on music and use that as a time marker, or even set an alarm for when I need to switch tasks. I try to set the alarm for a little earlier so I have time to finish up whatever I’m doing and clean up after. I’ll use routines as a visual reminder of what I need to do each day. It also helps my girls to know what we’re doing each day, which is amazing as well. For things I really struggle with doing at certain times, like brushing my teeth, I try to put notes up in the areas I do those things. For example, I made a picture for our entryway reminding us to wash our hands, and one for above our kitchen sink as well.

Remembering my goals– I try to keep a page spread in my bullet journal with my goals and review them monthly. I also am working on making something to fill in as we save up for stuff we want to do or for our emergency fund or paying off debt. Goals we have as a family that I tend to forget about. We are also in the process of making a vision board for our family to remind us of what we’re working toward as a family (I’ll write another post when that’s done all about that). I also am working on including reminders around the house about my goals so I don’t forget what I’m working toward.

Beyond all else, the best way to improve things you’re weak at… practice, practice, practice! Put lots of reminders up to remind you to do what needs done! Set routines!

What do you do to help you remember/do things you need to do every day? I’d love to hear below!

Clarissa

5 Things I Need To Feel Good

Today I’m thinking about what makes me feel good, strong, capable, healthy. All that good stuff. What makes me feel physically strong and able to tackle everyday? What makes me feel ready emotionally for a difficult day? What makes me happy?

I’ve noticed when I neglect myself, I feel unmotivated, unloved, exhausted, awful, guilty… so many things!

My phone wallpaper to remind me what I need to do.

Here is what I’ve figured out I NEED daily, no exceptions:

1. Enough sleep. This one is the big one. If I don’t get this, I don’t feel good the next day at all, no matter what I do. This is something that I (and ADHD-ers, Autistics, and other neurodivergent people) struggle with. For me, I need to take melatonin to help me sleep by a decent time. The kids wake up sometime between 6am-7am most days. That means I need to be asleep by midnight to function the next day, and by 9 or 10pm to feel amazing the next day, no exceptions.

2. Filling meals and easy to grab snacks, and plenty of water are also necessary. I need to be fueling my body regularly. For me, that means about every 2 hours I should have at least a small snack. I struggle with deciding what to grab or what to eat though when in the moment. So, in order to adjust my environment, I like to keep easy to grab protein bars and energy bars in the house so I don’t get “hangry”. This one is seriously a lifesaver.

3. Basic self-care like brushing my teeth, showering every other day, getting dressed in clothes that are comfortable AND that I feel good in, drinking enough water, etc. Wow, this is another big one! I am terrible about remembering, and then when I do remember, actually doing these basic hygiene/self-care routines. My brain tells me it’s too hard or too much work and it just doesn’t get done until I’m miserable.

4. Yoga, meditation, and/or exercise of some sort. I loved yoga in college, but got out of the habit of doing it. But I remember feeling strong and confident when it was part of my routine. I feel so much better when I’m more active. Meditation I got into much more recently. When I was in therapy, my therapist would do meditation with me and it really helped me calm down. There have also been studies on the effects of meditation on our life and they showed a link between better sleep and doing meditation daily. Pretty cool!

5. Quiet time. It might seem random to have quiet time on here, but this one is big for me. I need quiet to regulate my emotions, make decisions, focus, and relax. It helps center me. When I don’t get quiet time I feel disconnected, easily upset, exhausted, dysregulated, and so much more! I need this time to just… be. Without expectations or being needed or wanted by somebody.

I’m sure I’ll find more that I need, but these five things are what I’m focusing on first. What are your five things you can’t live without? What are your physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual needs? I’d love to hear what is important to you!

A Little Adventure

A few days ago, I started to write my blog post for yesterday… and then I got distracted and never finished it. So, I’ll postpone that topic till next week in favor of writing this post.

Wednesday- It was a normal day. I was feeling overwhelmed, as I do pretty much every day. I’d woken my husband up early because I was struggling, and feeling bad that I’d woken him up yet again instead of letting him sleep. He was obviously exhausted (he works until 6:30am, and usually waits till after breakfast to go to sleep and only gets around 5 hours of sleep, usually less, on weekdays). I felt horrible and realized I needed to get myself and the kids out of the house. So, I packed everything up and grabbed snacks spur of the moment, and off we went to the park. Once we got to the park I started having a sharp pain in my stomach, and I realized I forgot to put sunscreen on the kids, and myself. Not good.

I ended up calling my husband and waking him up, again. He came to the park with medicine (which I didn’t end up needing because by the time he got there I was feeling fine) and sunscreen and then laid down on the blanket I’d brought with us and fell asleep in the shade until our youngest was ready for a nap.

At the park enjoying a snack on Wednesday, before I noticed I had a sunburn!

My oldest and I stayed at the park awhile longer and then walked to another park and I let her play and run around while I relaxed in the grass in the shade. It was nice and we had a lot of fun. It went so well, that I made plans for the kids and I to meet up with my cousins and their little kids at the library the next day (yesterday) and then go to the park together.

My awful sunburn. Picture taken Thursday morning.

Unfortunately, that night I noticed I was starting to get a sunburn, and by the next morning it was bright red and painful. So, I did some research and bought myself a sunhat on amazon, and some better sunscreen, and it arrived yesterday morning before we left for the library.

Thursday- everything went much smoother, yesterday. We lathered up with sunscreen and I wore a short sleeve shirt that covered the majority of my sunburn from the day before. We walked to the library and hung out with my cousins and their kids for an hour or two and then I walked home and grabbed some snacks and outdoor toys and my oldest and I went back out while my youngest stayed home and took a nap with daddy.

We had a lot of fun hanging out and enjoyed the sun and fresh air. My oldest especially loved playing frisbee with my cousin’s husband and my other cousin’s son (his nephew) and running off with the frisbee instead of tossing it back or running it back to them. I had a minor runny nose but figured it was just a small case of seasonal allergies and I didn’t worry much about it. We stayed there for a couple hours. When my cousins and their kids left, I considered walking home, but then I noticed how miserable I was. Not only was my sunburn painful, but I had a runny nose, and my eyes were itchy and one felt dry. My “minor” allergies were apparently pretty bad. I’ve never had seasonal allergies, so this was a new thing to me.

I asked my husband to drive over with our youngest (who was awake from her nap by then) and he brought allergy medicine and my inhaler and eyedrops for my allergies.

Obviously, I need to plan better for these sorts of outings, but at least I learned a couple things:

Always bring sunscreen and don’t forget to put it on before going outside!
Keep allergy medicine on hand, even if you have never had allergies before! Seriously, I was fine… until I wasn’t. They can start any time at any age. I’m nearly 32 and I’ve never had seasonal allergies before now. I’d rather keep up to date allergy meds on hand and never need them, than need them and not have them.

It’s great to get outside! Just make sure to think everything through. Don’t do it spur of the moment, like I did, unless you don’t care if you forget something important. I look forward to doing this again! But I think I’ll make a list of things I need to pack for trips outside… like a daily allergy medication, and sunscreen. And a first aid kit (I’m so lucky there were no serious injuries requiring a bandaid or neosporin!) If you’d like me to share my list once I finish it, let me know in the comments below, and I’ll share it next week or the week after! Overall, I’m glad we got out. I just wish it didn’t mean getting a sunburn or discovering I apparently now have bad seasonal allergies.

I hope you all have a good Father’s Day this weekend! I’m so grateful for my amazing husband, without whom I don’t think I could handle the responsibility of being a mom. He is my rock and support and I couldn’t do it without him. So, Happy Father’s Day especially to my husband. And Happy Father’s Day to my dad, my father-in-law(s), and all the other amazing men in my life. I love you all!

Clarissa

Partnership: Neurodiverse Couples

I’ve been pondering partnerships, more specifically my partnership with my husband. I believe in equality and I’ve always had an innate sense of justice and fairness. So having a fair and equal partnership has always been a priority for me.

It’s hard figuring out the balance, though. So often, we assume an equal partnership is splitting everything 50/50, but that’s not how life works out, is it?

Preston often picks up the slack when I’m struggling (which is a lot more often than he struggles). This makes me feel like I need to “catch up” or “do more” when I’m feeling good, which inevitably means wearing myself out and doing more than I can handle… leading right back to struggling.

The truth is, as an AuDHD-er, I don’t have a lot of spoons. I have to pick and choose what to do because by the end of the day I don’t have anything left, so I ration executive function and energy throughout the day. Some things take more energy (playing with the girls, cleaning up after meals) and others take less (doing anything I’m hyperfocused on or love to do). As an ADHD-er, my motivation is interest based rather than needs based. This is hard because I rarely ever have an interest in cleaning or playing pretend. I’d much rather be playing video games, writing, reading, watching videos on YouTube, etc.

Recently, I saw an article (I can’t remember where or what it was called, otherwise I’d link it here) about an inter-abled couple. They were high school sweethearts and had been together 10 or 15 years. The wife had a disability (I can’t remember what she had) and used a wheelchair. One thought stuck out to me from that article: they each used their strengths to fill in the gaps where the other was weaker. She said she was great at managing their calendar and planning stuff, while he obviously could do more of the housework, and they balanced each other out.

I’ve been feeling down on myself because I can’t do as much as other moms seem to be able to, but that thought helped me realize that I shouldn’t be looking at our responsibilities and trying to split them 50/50. I’m probably never going to be able to do all the housework and childcare, and I’m always going to struggle with regularly cooking meals, and cleaning our home. But, I have other areas where I excel.

I’m great at planning fun activities.

I’m good at organizing (most of the time, as long as I’m hyperfocused on organizing).

Areas I struggle with: following through with my ideas, cleaning, cooking.

I’m still figuring it all out, and I know it’ll always be a work in progress. But I’m trying, and that’s all I can expect of myself. To keep trying and striving for what I want.

What are your strengths? What are your weaknesses? How can you set yourself up so that your weaknesses aren’t so bad? I’ll write more next week on weaknesses and setting up your environment for circumventing them.