By Clarissa Enos Plagmann
A theme I see in a lot of groups I’m in that are full of stay at home moms is that their husbands/partners expect them to do everything in the home: finances/bills, childcare, cooking, housework/chores, etc. Not only is this unrealistic, even for neurotypicals, but it’s impossible for someone like me.
The rhetoric around stay at home moms needs to change. Obviously if the mom wants to do all the household chores and such, then that’s great. But there needs to be a discussion before one parent/partner chooses to stay home instead of work outside the home where you talk as partners about expectations, and this needs to be revisited often so you can figure out what works and what doesn’t and adjust accordingly.
When I quit my job back in 2018, my husband and I were living in a 2 bedroom, 1 bathroom house with an elderly woman. She had one bedroom, we shared the kitchen and bathroom, and my husband I had the rest of the house. I quit because being on different schedules from my husband and not sleeping with him most nights was having a negative impact on my health. I started searching for a new job, but before long I found out I was pregnant with our first baby.
Prior to becoming pregnant, we had already decided one of us would stay home with our kids while they were young. But, I had also done tons of research and we decided that whoever stayed home with the kids would be caring for the kids, not the house. While one of us worked outside the home, the other would care for the kids like a daycare or nanny or babysitter would. When we were both home, we’d split any household/yard work. Obviously we knew it wouldn’t be equal, but we wanted it to make sense for our family and not place undue pressure on either of us.
In practice, it has been difficult. While my husband is at work, I just focus on surviving and keeping the kids alive. Basically, I make sure I change diapers, feed them, give them naps or put them to bed… anything I need to do for the kids. If chores like dishes or picking up the living room get done then that’s a bonus, but that’s not my focus and if it doesn’t happen it’s not a big deal. My husband works 4:30pm-3:00am so when we’re both awake we figure out what needs done and do it.
However, my ADHD does mess with things. For example: some days I can’t make myself get up and do stuff. I’m so worn out I just have to sit and do nothing or play mindless games on my phone. I try to combat this by figuring out my triggers and avoiding them or preventing them, but it doesn’t always work. When this happens, we’ve started to realize we really need to communicate more. My husband is definitely the kind of person who likes to get work out of the way and then play, but my ADHD sometimes necessitates me starting with play to get that dopamine hit and then doing chores/work. Another thing that helps me is listening to and singing and dancing to music while I work. This gives me that dopamine and distracts me while I do something I don’t enjoy.
Other things we’ve implemented:
1. My husband does the vast majority of the cooking. Occasionally when I’m feeling up to it I’ll plan a meal and cook, otherwise he does most of it because I just don’t like cooking.
2. We try to communicate when we’re not feeling great and just need to do nothing all day. However, we also understand that the other might not always be able to or think to let the other know, and we try to stay attuned to each other. We’re definitely still working on this one, but we’re slowly getting there.
3. I like to set up visual cues or reminders around the house. That means various alarms and notifications on my phone and fitbit, sticky notes around the house, notes in my bullet journal, a printed schedule of my workout and my morning routine next to my bed so that’s the first thing I see when I wake up, etc.
I’m always finding new ways to make our home more neurodivergent friendly. How do you make your home neurodivergent friendly? I’d love to hear in the comments below!
The Neurodivergent Homemaker 