Mental health is health

By Clarissa Enos Plagmann

I have so many ideas for blog posts, some half-written, some only vaguely thought of, that I struggle knowing what to post each week. I was tossing around a few ideas and started writing a couple this week, but then I was sitting here thinking about an experience I had this week, and the epiphany I just had about it.

So, as I posted last week, I had knee surgery last week. I’m supposed to be resting, I can only walk with crutches until my physical therapist says I’m good to walk with just a brace, I’m still in pain but it’s mostly controlled with over-the-counter pain medication. On top of all this, I’ve had depression as long as I can remember, which got worse each time I had a baby (and my youngest is only 8 months old, so not that long ago). I also have ADHD which makes my life difficult, and my 3 year old is a 3 year old, and there’s a lot that has changed the last 8 months so she is struggling as well.

For many reasons, we decided my husband would go back to work when I was 5 days post operation. We planned for people to be here to help me with the girls from the time he left for work until bedtime. I even planned for them to be here an hour later than when my oldest is usually in bed.

So, Tuesday rolls around, the day my husband is scheduled to go back to work. He scrambles to get everything ready for me and my helpers while I do what little I can. He leaves and shortly after, help arrives. All is great, E loves playing with them and she eats some of her snack. Then her Grandma (who I planned to help with dinner and bedtime routine) arrived. At first she was excited! Until she realized Grandma coming meant her new friends had to leave, and commence the screaming and crying. She loves people but hates change.

Once she calms down, she enjoys her time with Grandma, other than one or two small incidents. Then it’s time for her to go to bed and Grandma to leave. She’s not having it. I tell Grandma to go and plan to just let E and A lay in my bed next to me, and I feed A her bedtime bottle while E plays on her tablet next to me. E isn’t having that either. She’s in a space she doesn’t normally get to be in, with free reign. Mommy can’t do anything because her knee hurts and she can’t get out of bed.

Long story short, I broke down in tears and had to call my husband home to help. I felt terrible but I really couldn’t handle it.

The next day, I couldn’t stop thinking about how hard it was going to be when my husband went to work. I started feeling so anxious about going through all that again that I broke down crying and couldn’t stop. Everything was just too much.

He decided we’d figure things out and he’d stay home after all, but I just couldn’t stop feeling so bad. I just felt so weak because I couldn’t handle four nights a week watching our girls while he worked. I should be able to, right? Everyone else can. I just had knee surgery, it’s not like I can’t get around.

So, my epiphany, I saw a sticker the other day that said: “Mental health is health.” And that just stuck with me. I don’t have to feel bad that I can’t handle everything right now. I’m only one week out from surgery. They cut me open and reconstructed a whole ligament. I’m going to be in pain for awhile and I’m going to have to relearn how to walk and bend my knee and use my muscles in that leg. It’s not easy and it’s not going to be a quick and easy recovery. I also have depression and ADHD which both make everything so much harder. I struggle mentally and emotionally on a good day, when I’m healthy and strong and got lots of sleep. Right now I’m not healthy and strong and getting lots of sleep. And that’s okay. I need to focus on myself and my own health so I can eventually start taking care of my husband and girls again. But it’s going to take time and I don’t have to feel bad that he has to stay home to take care of me and the girls. That’s his job as my partner and their dad… to step up when I have to step down.

So, next time you feel bad because you’re not feeling well, even if it’s “all in [your] head” just remember: “Mental health is health.” Take care of yourself so you can get better and help the others in your life that you care about.